Life Coach

"If you stand still, there is only one way to go, and that's backwards."

Well said, I hear you say. From whence did that pearl of wisdom emanate, I hear you mutter in astonishment.

Plato? Descartes? Brandreth? Merryck?

No, great minds all, but none of those.

These profound words sprang from the lips of none other than ex-England and Nottingham Forest Goalkeeper Peter Shilton, a man of cat-like agility when dealing with issues of existentialism and banana shots alike.

And it is with those words that I always begin my life-coaching sessions, as they set the tone for the life changing lessons my lucky pupil is about to learn

To give you a flavour of what I'm all about, a couple of the main areas I deal with are outlined below.

Mortality and Football

"A thing of beauty is a joy for ever: Its loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness"

Ah Keats, what a poet! A man who could see all that is beautiful in this world of ours and express that in such exquisite language.

But then, would that have been possible if he'd been born 150 years later and had witnessed a succession of dire England World Cup campaigns? I think not.

If he had, he would surely have commented on another England midfield quartet with the almost supernatural ability to consistently 'pass into nothingness'.

This was a man who never had to watch Geoff Thomas or Carlton Palmer or Tom Bloody Cleverley

Which leads us nicely to mortality.

How long have you got left? How long have any of us got left? How long? How long until the last orders bell rings for the final time and your ultimate staggering exit from the bar? But not this time to the Regal Kebab House before bed, no, to somewhere terrible. Somewhere even worse than Kent.

With this in mind, recently, my best friend and fellow drinker, Brummie Dave, commented that if he died at the same age as his Dad, he would only be around for 4 more World Cups.

This got us all thinking - how many have we got left? And what should we do with our lives before we see England lose in a quarter final after penalties for the final time?

It's something for us all to ponder, hence our creation of ...

Evasion

Like most men my age, I spend a great deal of my time avoiding people.

The banks, government agencies (central and local), the milkman, wives, my local newsagent, ex-wives, my children, the Avon lady (and her husband), the list goes on, as it does for all of my dear friends.

In life, you should never stop learning and this is why it's been so important that I've shared my experiences with my friends in The Anchor (primarily Brummie Dave and the O'Brien Brothers - Dermot and Brendan) and they have shared theirs with me.

Indeed, between us we have managed to avoid so many civil actions, criminal actions, acts of violence intended for us on account of some perceived wrongdoing, repossessions, etc.,etc., that sometimes I feel we really have been blessed.

But that is wrong, for there is no spiritual assistance at work here.

No angels guiding us through the dark valley of small claims and attachment of earnings.

No, our continued ability to slowly drink ourselves to death without fear of retribution or imprisonment is down to careful planning and the use of a particularly inventive accountant.

And that is why this is an area where I can teach you so much - from a simple name change to some very reasonable plastic surgery administered by my good friend Dean from his caravan in Jaywick Sands.

Evasion can work in so many different forms as well, so let me give you an example of how quick thinking I am in this area.

I was in the pub recently with Brummie Dave and the O'Brien brothers, Brendan and Dermot, when we were disturbed by a group of 4 UKIP supporters at the end of the bar. Now I can get on with most people, but I can't stand bigots, and these guys were bigots. Do you know who UKIP remind me of the - the Germans in Allo Allo. Funny fascists. Comedy Nazis. But we shouldn't forget they're still Nazis. These are the same bastards who would have been behind Mosley in the 30s.

Anyway, we engaged in an argument, which couldn't be resolved by negotiation and it was agreed should completed in the car park. Now, unbeknownst to me, Brummie Dave and the O'Briens had popped into the Gents for some chemical refreshment before hostilities could commence and I was left alone in the car park facing my opponents.

Instantly, I realised that the odds were stacked against me, and quickly deduced that the best way I was going to avoid significant physical pain, was by running away very fast. But, I'm not the athlete I once was and knew I needed to come up with another plan.

I quickly remembered reading somewhere that it had recently been proven that members of UKIP had a similar IQ to that of a crocodile or turtle. Lightning fast I recalled that the best way to run away from crocodiles is to run zig zag, because they're slow and dim. Like UKIP members in fact. And this is what I tried, running zig zag around the car park.

Zig zag, zig zag, zig zag I went and within less than 30 seconds the UKIPPERS, poor, confused, simple minded souls, had all collided with each other and were lying concussed on the pavement.

Well, as you can imagine, the whole pub, by this point all assembled on the edge of the car park, put down their drinks and applauded. I was duly carried shoulder high back into the saloon bar to the sound of much whooping and hollering

Truly, evasion at its finest.

For a very reasonable fee I can teach you how it's done.

Other specialist sessions available include:

• Practical Adultery - The Prince2 Method
  Complex personal life? Finding it difficult keeping multiple lives running without unfortunate overlap? I have adapted the Prince2 Project management methodology to help you manage up to 10 simultaneous relationships, using a system of robust risk and issue management, quality and communication planning, and the production of easy to follow Gantt charts to help keep it all on track. It really is betrayal made easy!
  
  
• Fleecing Your Friends
  Not only will I teach you some wonderful new methods of deceiving people, I will also help you feel good about ripping off those closest to you with my specially devised 'They Deserve It' flash cards. I can make advanced self-delusion work for you and you can make a few bob into the bargain!
  
  
• Emotional Repression - Why It's A Good Thing
  Passionless? Indifferent to everything other than your own immediate gratification? Stunted emotionally? Don't worry, I can help you give even less of a shit with my own unique brand of misanthropy. Let's get drunk together and by the end of the session you'll understand why love is for losers.